2/30: Acceptance Speech

As I began to write this, tears filled my eyes like seashore holes greeted by angry waves.
Hold your shovel high.
This award is for you.

I would like to thank the academy for acknowledging my talents.
I have dedicated many days and lonely nights to acting.
Pretending like my stomach wasn’t rumbling.
Hollow.
Remembering our plans to have it filled with our hybrid.
Chest just aching for heart to stop banging against it so quickly.
Throat wondering how spit could feel so heavy.

Yeah, baby…
This award is for you.

For all those times I had metals placed around my neck…
Trophies from hurdled insecurities left to collect dust upon the shelf…
For every ribbon penned on chest and every race won…

You missed it…

But, this is for you…

Even though it seemed you were only interested in people rolex watching me.
Boasting so brashly about my poetic abilities, but never enthusiastically planting your ass in an audience seat.
Begging to read my novel, then not even finishing it.

A paper racehorse with an injury.

You shot bullet holes into my dreams.

Crying on the bathroom floor with far two many pills numbing my senses.
And you walked in, hovered over, did what you had to, then turned to leave.

How could you look into the mirror in that moment and not see a monster?

How could savior and destroyer be one in the same?

Even you had to admit you never expected me to be this talented.
To “handle things this way”.
To not break

When you said my former best friend was pregnant with our baby.

That you couldn’t hate her.
Posting online that you love her.
Days earlier, telling me that you miss me.

Bravo, baby.

I voted you.

Please tell me when reality became a High School Musical?
When did you decide to forget your covenant with God and revert back to 12th grade?

Oh, husband of mine, can you hear the applause now?

We couldn’t script this.

Let’s rip this pulsating dagger from chest.
You can have it.

Here’s my self-esteem!
Grab it!

I don’t need it to build walls.

Let mine rival that of China.

Can’t believe you broke my hymen…

Best Drama…
Best Horror…
Baby, take your pick…
We deserve this moment…

We did it!

Here I stand…
A survivor of loving so Disney Princess-esque.

Let that pride that swells your chest
all peacock featherlike when they call my name
and I take the stage
be a reminder of how hard you have worked to get me here

Thank you…

motherfucka…

This award is for you…